Love With An Open Heart

Past relationships and experiences
Dictate how we interact
In future relationships
Causing us to armor up
To put our guards up
Which still allow
Past disappointments
To continue to take
Centerstage
We then
Come up with reasons
For our actions
Dress them up
By giving them different names
Whether it’s referred to
As a protective layer
Or a wall used to
Keep us from feeling
Vulnerable
Which in actuality
Keeps us from
Something that could
Potentially be special
Love requires the giving
Of oneself
Compromise and
Vulnerability
How Else will we be
Able to recognize
True love’s credibility
Then we can enjoy stability
Be set free
From past relationships
That was ugly
It’s important
For the heart to feel love
Feeling and loving is the only way
That the heart knows
Love is grounded
It accepts the imperfections
Of the person that
We love
Working through
Bad times while
Enjoying the good
Love is honesty
It gives people
The opportunity
To be themselves completely
Love is a journey
That should always
Be allowed to continue
It’s the only way
For the one that
Is for us
To find us
Life should not
Be about only surviving
Heartbreak
From past mistakes
Or merely existing
But thriving in happiness
And enjoying life
Now that’s living

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Three Years Strong

Hooray!!! Happy Birthday to Be Lifted.

Ever since I was young I loved to write. I remember the day that I decided to become a blogger. It seems almost like yesterday when I started my blog. It’s my blog that consists of my thoughts, poetry, diet lifestyles, and choices of music.

Three years later Be Lifted is still going strong. I look forward to many more years of blogging.

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My Idea of Love

First and foremost
Love has no color
In my eyes
If anything
We only deprive
Ourselves of
The endless possibilities
By limiting ourselves
Because we are afraid
To think outside
Of the box
Which has nothing
To do with preferences
Let’s be clear
It all boils
Down to fear
Why not step
Beyond our comfort zone
We become free to fly
High and broaden our horizons
We find out that
There is a whole
New world
To explore
That will embrace
Us and give
Us what we deserve
And a lot more
What a treasure
When we realize
That we can
Have better
We begin to change
We begin to grow
We become less hard
We feel more safe
In our womanhood
Understanding that we
Can be tough as nails
Or soft as Daffodils
There is something about
Being a confident lady
Where we feel safe
It changes things
We owe it to ourselves
To see what’s
Out in the world
To stop questioning
Our worth
Because our past relationship
Choices showed it
Our name is not
The United Way,
Salvation Army,
Or Goodwill
We are not
Charity cases
Therefore no one
Should expect to
Come into our worlds
All while displaying
Very little effort
We deserve more
Than lazy daters
We deserve more
Than deadbeat fathers
Who have multiple
Children mothers
All of which they
Have zero thoughts about
Life is so short
Each passing day that goes by
Should consist
Of choices
That reflects realistic
Plans that were thought out
We are better
Than spontaneous decisions
Unless we are traveling
Around the world
Having a priceless worth
If not it will
Be our future
That will be hurt
The right mentality
Will attract the right people
Who are destined to
Be in our lives
But it can’t happen
Without being open
To change
And valuing who we are
We are courageous
We are radiate
We are brilliant
We are a gift
Anyone who says or thinks different
Is out of place
It’s our life
People who wants to
Bring us down shouldn’t be in it
It’s our choice
People who express negative
Is the opposite of positive
They do not serve a purpose
So let them go their way
As we keep shining
Being a beacon light
For true love to find us

Who Can We Trust?

I will be sincere I have trust issues, and you can trust me on this. Depending on who we talk to trust isn’t thought of in the same capacity. Some people don’t trust certain people due to specific “experiences” while giving other people a blank check to do as they please. They will chalk up trusting a lover who’s a repeat cheating offender as “Everybody plays the fool sometimes.” In a nutshell, trust isn’t always what it seems to be.

Trust once it’s broken will never be the same again. Is this a statement that we can trust? Whether or not we choose to admit it at some point, we have to trust somebody such as the people who prepares our food at restaurants, grocery stores, trusting drivers to obey the rules of the road, authors of books that schools teach our children with, etc. We don’t necessarily trust politicians, but we still vote and put them into offices. The government cannot always be trusted with the shutdowns and layoffs. Thinking of who can we trust, and the possibility of being let down can bring on all types of anxiety.

How about our pastors? Sadly the church has lost a lot of our trust due to some people’s bad behavior and always asking for money. The situation with the church is deep, in my opinion; the wrong kinds of people lead the church. People should have their eyes on God, not on people. People will quit going to church, give up on God, and use their bad experiences with people to justify their actions. These same people will trust certain people over and over again. I will go deeper into this subject at a later time.

We can trust our family, friends, and significant others, right? Hmmm. I suggest that you don’t look at the divorce rates or watch the Maury show.

In recent years I have seen a lot, and other people have as well. As times goes on, less and fewer people are inclined to trust anything or anyone. It seems that most people who are trying to gain our trust have hidden agendas. Some people try to get close to pump you for information that they will use against you down the line. We are human beings we all have made mistakes, and as long as we live, it will happen again. I can’t take people who pick and choose the people who they decide to give great trust to seriously. It just shows the lack of importance placed on trust, which is the reason why I have trust issues.

Trusting a person’s experience is also a gamble I have learned this from the interviewing of victims and witnesses class. To trust a person’s experience would mean trusting their memories, there are things which can taint the accuracy of their memories like their feelings towards certain people or subjects, which is the reason why detectives rely heavily on forensics because a person’s memory isn’t always accurate and false memories are still possible. Even relying on the memories right after an incident may not be authentic multiple people can witness it but have different recollections. Yep. Trust, at times, can be a tricky thing.

Three top mottos have helped me a little with my trust issues:

Be a person that can be trusted.
It’s possible that we could be wrong about a situation.
Expect the unexpected

I pray for discernment because the thought of opening myself up to trust people is just downright scary.

It is Better to Have Loved

Growing up my mind was consumed
Of dreams of having a house
With a white picket fence
Stories of
Cinderella and Snow White
That consisted of highlights of a kiss given
That broke a horrible spell
Or being set free
From the bondage
Of an ungrateful wicked family
Who happiness
Was a beauty’s misery
Still the endings
Were always ones of
Happily ever afters
Then I grew up
And realised
That real love isn’t
A fairy tale
That true love
Sometimes consists of
Having an understanding
That a special moment
Is sometimes all that we are
Blessed to have
It could be the right person
But the wrong time
It could be the right time
But the wrong person
They may not be in a position
To give what is required
Even holding on
For longer than
We should can have long lasting
Consequences
I am not saying that
Having love isn’t important
Because it is
Love alone isn’t always enough
Is all that I am saying
Love is beautiful
Being in love is amazing
Even more so
When it’s mutual
When the love is true
The love is without boundaries
It’s given completely
Unapologetically
Free of the fear
Of being vulnerable
Not concerned about
Who loves who the most
Because true love is
Immeasurable
It’s a true treasure
With the heavy appraisal tag worth
Of being accountable and responsible
In order for things to work
Being prepared
For the possible
Finality of a relationship
That’s the reality of life
It’s loving a person enough
To let them go
Even though it
Was something
That we never dreamt of doing
It’s always wishing
Them well no matter what
The outcome is
If the feeling is the opposite
Then perhaps it wasn’t
Real love to begin with
True love isn’t selfish
It’s being totally committed
It’s being selfless
Real love, true love
Isn’t a fairy tale
Just by our judgment and actions alone
When we are in love
Shows that it’s not easy to
Create or imagine
It’s raw and not simple
Love doesn’t guarantee
That people won’t get hurt
Still as the famous
Quote goes
It is better to have loved
And lost than never to
Have loved at all

What’s Tameeka Listening To?

Loving the soundtrack for the movie “Prime”. I am listening to the song “I wish you love”. I dedicate this song to my first love. The words to this song are everything because they are so on point.

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health, and more than wealth,
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So, with my best, my very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So, with my best, my very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

DON’T THEY CARE ABOUT ME? DIDN’T I MEAN SOMETHING TO THEM?

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No matter what time of year it is, it’s difficult post-breakup, especially when we wonder whether someone cares about us, but times of the year like Valentine’s and Christmas/The Holidays are tough.
We like to feel that we meant something, that we were important, “missable” etc. At this time of year though, that urge increases as the post arrives and there’s no card. Our phone beeps, and there’s no text message. Or we refresh our email and check our junk box, and there’s no email. We look for signs of life from them on Facebook and see that they’re moving on or that they appear happier than we are. We secretly wonder if they’ll show up over the next week or so. If they’ve moved on and we haven’t, it will eat away at us. If they haven’t changed (or we think they have with someone else) or we ultimately don’t end up hearing from them, it’s felt like a blow to our self-esteem.

Don’t they care about me? Didn’t I mean something to them? Don’t they miss me? Am I so easy to replace?
Years ago when I broke up with my ex, even though it was me that ended it and despite my long list of reasons, I hated that he wasn’t hunting me down to say he missed me. He wasn’t trying to get in touch, or hurling himself on the floor begging me for mercy. I actually attempted to make him discuss the relationship because, you know, it’s what people do.

My view was that we ‘should’ be working to be amicable. I felt that he ‘should’ desire to learn from his mistakes. But most of all, I needed validation that he missed me, that he cared. Truth be told, I didn’t miss him. I cared, but if I dig deep, I cared about how I looked in the context of him not caring.

I must be unlovable, I mustn’t be ‘good enough’ because the ‘prince’ hasn’t hopped on his horse and blazed in to rescue me. Yeah…
His lack of effort to keep in touch ate away at me. Even though I was moving on, I hated being The Person Whose Ex Didn’t Care Enough To Beat a Path to Her Door. One day I got him on the phone, and I let rip. We had an awful argument which I managed to do with clenched teeth in a low voice in the office. As I listened to myself, I suddenly wondered what the hell I was doing. And then wearily he said, “I don’t know what it is you want from me. You left me. You finished it with me…”. Deep embarrassment struck.

In hindsight, I recognise that I was emotionally demanding and getting hijacked by my ego. I was having a pop at someone who I’d left, who wasn’t able to meet my needs. My ego hated that he wasn’t pandering to me and making me feel better about my decision. I left him alone after that.

Don’t they care about me? Didn’t I mean something to them? Don’t they miss me? Am I so easy to replace?
They very likely did care about you and possibly even still do, but the relationship is over. Not moving on with your life does not equate to still caring about someone. It means that you may be stuck and hurting. Pain is not love.

You did mean something to them, but you may have different ideas of what that should be. Even so, it doesn’t mean they have to chase you around.

THEY PROBABLY DO MISS YOU, AND HOPEFULLY IT’S FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, BUT SOMETIMES, AS MANY A BAGGAGE RECLAIM READER CAN ATTEST TO, THEY MISS YOU FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
However, whatever the reasons are for someone missing you that doesn’t mean that it’s right for them to chase you or try to get back together. If the relationship wasn’t working, it was with good reason. Unless those reasons have gone, they can miss you, but it doesn’t change the issues in your relationship.

IT’S NOT ABOUT BEING EASY TO REPLACE. WHO PEOPLE GET INVOLVED WITH IS NOT ABOUT ‘REPLACEMENTS’. YOU DON’T OWN THEM OR THE ‘SPOT’ IN THEIR LIFE.
Once the relationship is over, hard as it is to hear, we have no right to make emotional demands on ex-partners. We can’t expect them to prove how much we meant and we shouldn’t really expect them to stroke our ego. We don’t like it when they do this stuff to us!

Part of the reason why we look for validation from our exes and wonder if they still care about us is that we are in pain. We likely haven’t moved on, and we like to think that our exes are also in pain and that they too haven’t moved on. Of course, when they have, and we haven’t, or we deem it ‘too soon’, we wonder, How can they just move on as if I don’t exist?

One of the lessons I learned from my various relationships is that we’re not clones of each other. Just because we share a relationship with someone and may even believe that we think alike and that we’re ‘soulmates’, it doesn’t mean that we can’t each have very different ideas about how we should behave after the breakup. One of the biggest sources of friction is where we think that the other party isn’t ‘considering our feelings’. While there’s undoubtedly a respectful period, particularly where mutual friends are concerned when it’s the ‘done thing’ not to flaunt your new relationship or your happy single life, there is a limit and a line that shouldn’t be crossed.

We cannot control other people.
If you found it tricky to control them in the relationship, it’s even trickier to do so out of it.

Control isn’t a word that a lot of people like to hear, but a large part of why we get sucked into wanting affirmations of the other person’s care is that we want to control them, which in turn distracts from ourselves. If they’re caring about us in the way that we deem appropriate, then it will feel like we still have some sort of emotional tie to them.

When they move on or they don’t run around trying to demonstrate how much they care, we feel out of control.

This is because we are still hurting and struggling to move on. Them not contributing to the emotional pot makes us not only feel away about the pain that we’re holding on to but also makes it even harder to hold onto any last illusions we may be clinging to.

People can care, but they can care from afar.
When a relationship ends, we cease to be at the centre of that person’s thoughts, decisions and life, and that’s part and parcel of breaking up. The relationship is broken.

PART OF GRIEVING THE LOSS OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND MOVING FORWARD IS NOT DISTORTING THINGS BY PUTTING YOURSELF AT THE CENTRE OF THEIR ACTIONS.
They’ve met someone else; that means they lied to me and that they don’t care about me. It means they met someone else. Everyone deals with things in different ways. Some people dive straight into another relationship, some don’t. Some people do care but the relationship is over, and they are free to have a go with someone else.
They’re not calling me even though I cut contact with them; it means they don’t care about me. It means that they’re getting on with their life (and possibly respecting your wishes). They may be giving you enough credit to assume that you’re not playing games. They didn’t think that you cut contact to provoke them into changing/chasing.
They’ve gone back to their ex; that means they never cared about me. Bit of an extreme assumption. The relationship ending may have made them realise that they want to give their old relationship a shot. Relationships ending make us vulnerable. OK, and for some people, they go back to their exes because that person is their fallback option. And then yes, for others, they realise they still love their ex. This isn’t about not caring; they hadn’t healed from their previous relationship.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
If they don’t get in touch, or send you a Christmas card, beat your door down begging to get back together, or make more of an effort to chase you, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care at all but it does mean that they don’t care enough and there is a difference.

It’s also–and this may be hard to hear–not a game to provoke the person into being and doing what you want. Especially when someone has got used to a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, they may decide enough is enough and that they don’t want to participate in the dynamic. Or they may assume that when they feel good and ready about getting in touch, you’ll be there anyway. Be careful – this is a game that never ends well.

DECIDING THAT SOMEONE DOESN’T CARE AT ALL INVALIDATES YOUR ENTIRE MEMORY OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND THE PERSON.
You don’t have to be so all or nothing. Not all relationships are meant to work out. Every love interest can’t be The One. This doesn’t mean that if people don’t jump to your beat or the relationship ends that they didn’t care at all for you, but depending on what they’ve been and done in the relationship with you, it may mean that they didn’t care enough. If you accepted less than who you are and what you need in this relationship, then you already know this.

And actually they could have cared a lot for you, but your relationship just didn’t work out.
It’s not really very fair to be like, Oh we broke up, you never cared about or loved me. Some people love each other a lot, but they’re incompatible, and all the love in the world would not have made their relationship work. That’s because love alone is not enough.

Emotionally unavailable people have a limited capacity to care because of their avoidance of their feelings.
Expecting an abuser to become caring is like putting your bucket down an empty well and wondering why no water comes back up.
If someone didn’t care about you enough in the relationship, it is a waste of your energy to wonder why they don’t bother now that they’re out of the relationship.
The chief reason we concern ourselves with why someone who mistreated us in the relationship isn’t treating us well outside of it is that on some level, we had hoped that by no longer being with them that it would cause them to miss us and to ultimately treat us better.

TOO MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT LOVE AND CARE IS BEING CHASED AROUND AND HAVING THE POWER TO CHANGE AND GALVANISE SOMEONE INTO BEING ‘BETTER’ BY WITHDRAWING. EXHAUSTING WORK.
It’s the old adage – you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. True…but what people always forget is this:

Even when we do realise how great/valuable/lovable a person is and what a huge mistake we may have made, in having some level of connection to ourselves, we may also realise that not only are we not capable of being and doing what that person wants, but that they may also be too good for us.

Validate your own perception of the relationship. Accept that they cared, but that for whatever reason the relationship is over. You cannot quantify how much someone cared for you and literally count it up like money, but you can tell by the relationship you were in. However long you spent together, they’ve likely cared to some level but just not to what you needed or wanted. Only you know the relationship you were in. If you felt loved, cared, trusted, respected, why invalidate that memory because the relationship is over and they’re not chasing you like a blue-arsed fly?

WHAT WOULD CONSTITUTE THEM CARING ABOUT YOU?
Pestering you morning, noon, and night and you having the opportunity to ignore them?
Asking you for sex?
Saying “I miss you but I can’t be with you/I’ve met someone else”?
Going “OK, I’ll change into the person you want me to be”?
Saying “I won’t be with anyone else until you are with someone”?
Saying “You were right and I was wrong”?
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What do you actually want from them? Write it down, voice it, and then examine how realistic your expectations are.
People can care about you, but that doesn’t make them right for you or the relationship.

People can also care while also having enough self-respect and self-preservation to not want to keep stoking the fire of a dysfunctional dynamic.

If it’s dysfunctional, at some point, at least one of you has to get off the merry-go-round.

People can also care about you and do things that are very destructive to a relationship because they have unhealthy love habits. They may have low self-esteem and do things that are fundamentally counterproductive to the relationship because they either know no better or are sabotaging it in the pursuit of the self-fulfilling prophecy. For your own sake, you don’t need someone like this showing you their ‘care’.

Whatever it is, stop punishing yourself by telling yourself that they don’t care about you. If you have instances of them showing care in the relationship, even though it may not have been enough, it shows a level of care. It doesn’t cancel out any pain experienced, but it adds some balance to your perspective. Note, it also doesn’t mean that you should go back!

But outside of the relationship, looking for instances of care is like looking for water in the desert – few and far between. That’s not because they don’t care; it’s because the relationship is over.

Let go of your expectations of validation from them and validate yourself. Even if they didn’t or don’t care about you, it’s time you start caring about yourself. When you do, you’ll spend less time trying to analyse the levels of their care. You will focus on nurturing yourself.

Your thoughts? This is not my post. This is a repost.