One day at a time, one prayer at a time I have moved on many years ago. Just because a person has laid down a torch for a person for whom they were once in love with doesn’t mean that one can’t reflect on certain things. You may never read this letter but it’s all right. Beethoven wrote a letter to his immortal beloved in hopes that she would get it and she did. People still release doves at weddings and balloons on birthdays for sentimental reasons. There is nothing wrong with hoping that something will happen. Not sure as to why but for some reason you were on my mind which isn’t unusual but it was much different this time. This past November 1st I wanted to cry. I am not the same young twenty-something-year-old woman that I was many years ago. Sure I am still strong, smart, kind, caring, loving, faithful, loyal, hardworking, educated, etc. I am speaking of the person beneath all of those things that I just named the broken person who I never faced until now, I have come to accept many things. I’m healed so I’m woman enough to admit it. I believe that an apology is in order. An apology isn’t shared it’s clear, heartfelt and sincere. An apology doesn’t make up excuses otherwise it would be useless. This apology is given with the hopes of understanding occurring. So twenty-something years later I’m woman enough to say it. Please allow me to explain it. How many times had you reached out for my hand? How many times had you stood up for our relationship? How many times had you shown me how much you loved me at the time? All you ever did was try to love me truly. Many people on the outside could see it. It’s hard to receive something that was never taught or witnessed prior to our love. I didn’t know how to receive the blessing that you tried so hard to give me. We never talked about me being broken emotionally. You loved me for me and I know it was hard at the time. We were both so young. I wasn’t ready because I didn’t realize things until recent years now everything is all clear. To be honest, I felt guilty like I didn’t deserve you. I witnessed my mother who was amazing, strong, enduring a lot of abuse and lots of struggling love. She never received what she truly wanted. She was great but she constantly settled for less. She was in relationships that were mediocre. I thought to myself how come she wasn’t blessed with a love that was healthy? So I felt that it was my fate. That if my mother wasn’t blessed with something special then how could I? Sadly,years later after a few failed relationships with men who knew nothing about loving a woman and me not choosing right. I’ve come to know that love is an action word. It’s giving 100 percent on both ends. It’s looking at ourselves and making sure that we are ready for what’s to come. It’s evaluating ourselves so that we don’t have to realize years later about our mistakes. One of my exes cheated is abusive, disrespectful, manipulative, a deadbeat father the list goes on. Dysfunction is an ugly snowball that creates a slippery slope that is neverending, ever. My whole life I fought to not inherit a love life like my mother’s only to have one that is similar to it. I’ve seen the opposite of great and looking back…it’s alright because I’m in an okay place. Immature people laugh at vulnerability or try to manipulate it the first chance when there is an advantage. People get older mature and look at where they messed up, where things went wrong. They admit it after all the more we know the more we grow. I’ve learned that no one is above hurting someone whether it’s unintentionally or intentionally. We have to be quick to make things right and give an apology whenever necessary immediately. It’s important to be aware that being right isn’t more important than losing the one whom you love because you may be wrong after all we are all human. I’m older and I pray that one day you will be able to know how sorry that I am for being hard to love it was all that I knew. I never witnessed anything else but I grew from it. No, I wasn’t perfect and neither were you. But we were perfect for one another at the time. I know that you are in a different state of mind and so am I, however, it doesn’t change what happened which is why I am apologizing now. I pray that the woman in our life, love you, value you, love you hard, love you back, love you in every way that you want. You deserve to be loved more than anything because you deserve nothing less than greatness I pray that you have it. I do not in any way expect automatic forgiveness but I do hope for it. I understand that forgiveness is a two-way street an apology has to be accepted. In the meantime I just wanted to apologize for the things that I did, the things that I once believed, and the things that I said.