The Love Dare

Anthony,
I decided to step back not because I don’t care about you because I do (very much so) I didn’t want to add to the confusion in your life it’s not what you need or deserve. From what you have shared with me it sounds like it’s very chaotic in your life after all this time I will touch back on that part later. There were so many times that I wanted to reach out to you, but I opted not to. Any decision that you choose should be yours alone, and no one should influence that I don’t care who the person is. What is meant to happen will find its way, and nothing or no one can stop what will be.

I am not going to preach, but I know that God is real He changed me whether you ever get to the point that you believe in Him that is entirely up to you. You have said “that all you wanted was to be able to talk to me.” it just wasn’t the right time. I admit it I was wounded, I was angry, and I was in my feelings God had to work on me it wasn’t a good time. I always felt like I had to fight for you, and I always felt like I wasn’t good enough; we both know the reasons why. Recently, I have asked you to please come to me if you have any questions about me don’t listen to anyone because messengers have motives. When someone tells you something, especially when it’s negative wonder what their motivation is because most times it’s not positive.

Anthony, when we got together, we were so very young. Once we got married, we had no guidance no one ministered to us about anything, which is why I want to counsel couples about marriage. Couples should know what real love is, so they will know how to love each other. I genuinely believe that any marriage can last; it’s what God intended; that’s why He hates divorce. All people have to do is put their egos aside and love their spouses enough. Everyone has days when they are unlovable, and that’s when the test comes in. If we can’t be real with our loved one, there is a problem; it’s imperative to allow them to be able to express their feelings. People have to understand that once a person chooses to marry them, they can’t stop learning about them because we change every day we can’t stop trying to keep their heart just because we feel that we have won it.

I want you to know that every couple has communication problems, not just us when we were a couple. Communication breakdowns will happen because people have different personalities; thus, differences will occur. People have to care about fixing the problem. Every marriage gets bland, has struggles, people get selfish, but people should never forget about the special spark that was the reason why they got married. After all, let’s be honest; no two people get married because they hate each other. Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. It’s not something that is of convenience, marriage is hard, but it’s beautiful too. When people get married, it’s for better or worse, and well we all know the rest of the vows the truth is people only focus on the good parts which is the reason why they can’t handle the hard parts once they occur.

Regardless of the situation good or bad, the Bible says that all things work together for the good. Something good will come from out of all of this, and we all will see it, respect it, accept it, and hopefully grow from it. I will not talk about the past because there is nothing that we can do about that accept grow from it. I will not attack you because I have forgiven you. I won’t fight over you or start drama because God already knows what He is going to do. Also, I know the woman that I am there is no need for all of that. All I can do is trust God. I will say this a real woman who is doing what she should do should never allow her man to ever feel uncomfortable not at our ages. I’m not saying these things because of our history but because I have gained wisdom. If a woman is laying a foundation with her man, she lets everyone know what’s up no matter who they are. She makes everyone respect him because she understands that what a man desires the most is to be respected. She knows that a man goes through enough in the world and shouldn’t have to deal with it at home too. You know why I am saying what I am saying it doesn’t matter how much a person has done for you if they care and it’s from the heart why should it matter? Unless strings are attached to what a person does, perhaps? You are not a lazy man, and you pull your weight. I pray that what I have written frees you to do what you need to do. We are grown-ups there is no room for foolish games life is entirely too short for that. I am expressing myself, and I don’t think that I am putting myself out there; I am not begging you for anything. I am putting this out here on my blog for the whole world to see. Remember, love isn’t a fight; it’s worth fighting for if it’s right. Love is also an action word. Love isn’t a guilt trip or forced; it’s given freely, it’s not a headache, and it flows without problems.

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Love With An Open Heart

Past relationships and experiences
Dictate how we interact
In future relationships
Causing us to armor up
To put our guards up
Which still allow
Past disappointments
To continue to take
Centerstage
We then
Come up with reasons
For our actions
Dress them up
By giving them different names
Whether it’s referred to
As a protective layer
Or a wall used to
Keep us from feeling
Vulnerable
Which in actuality
Keeps us from
Something that could
Potentially be special
Love requires the giving
Of oneself
Compromise and
Vulnerability
How Else will we be
Able to recognize
True love’s credibility
Then we can enjoy stability
Be set free
From past relationships
That was ugly
It’s important
For the heart to feel love
Feeling and loving is the only way
That the heart knows
Love is grounded
It accepts the imperfections
Of the person that
We love
Working through
Bad times while
Enjoying the good
Love is honesty
It gives people
The opportunity
To be themselves completely
Love is a journey
That should always
Be allowed to continue
It’s the only way
For the one that
Is for us
To find us
Life should not
Be about only surviving
Heartbreak
From past mistakes
Or merely existing
But thriving in happiness
And enjoying life
Now that’s living

A Personality Like Mine

I have to say that I am pretty proud of my personality. Some of the words that I would use to describe my personality are calm, balanced, compassionate, creative, loving, etc. My personality is more conscientiousness even though I feel that it can’t be narrowed down to one label. As much as I enjoy my personality, I am aware of my weaknesses or negative parts of it. However, with me knowing about the negative parts of my personality that can help me to work on what I need to.

Here is a little bit about my background; this will help to get a better understanding of my personality. I am the oldest of four girls. All of my life, I have had an enormous amount of responsibilities to handle it never bothered me. I am thinking because of my personality; my mother felt that I was capable of handling doing every task assigned. Examples of my jobs come home from school do my homework, walk to go pick up my sisters up from school, cook dinner, and wash clothes. I have a dominant personality; yet not overbearing. I do not allow myself to be a pushover and I did not give in to peer pressure.

As a teenager, I was very mature. At one point, while growing up, the teen pregnancy was high. It seemed like everywhere that I turned someone that I knew was pregnant. In my family, some relatives were having babies early as well. My first child was born when I was in my late twenties. There is a lot of peer pressure for teens sex, drugs, and drinking, to name a few rights to this very day. Teenagers have it hard going through puberty and then having to try to fit in.  Some people give in to peer pressure, especially teenagers they are not very strong-minded. I have a best friend she is like the life of the party everywhere that she goes. The mindset that she has is” you only live once” she does whatever makes her feel good. There is nothing wrong with having a mindset like my friend’s but that is not right for me to each their own.

Social class to me is like high school mentality to me; it’s all about being accepted socially by a particular group. Example, a poor person, cannot get in a country club unless they have a rich person that belongs to the club. The poor person can get connections through their rich friend. It’s all about the secret handshake, and I want no parts of that. Peers are the same way no matter the location I don’t care if a high school is in an affluent neighborhood, middle-class neighborhood, or lower class neighborhood there will be certain groups that only accept a certain kind of people. It sucks royally. The groups of people that are in every high school are the popular kids, the smart kids, the sporty kids, the troublesome kids aka bullies and the odd kids no matter how much time passes it’s always the same. The social class and peers have the least influence on my personality.

I was brought up in a Christian household; the way that I live my life is according to the Bible. I live for God and not for the acceptance of man. The Bible says “that we cannot serve two masters” Human beings are fair weathered one day they like you and one day they hate you. When I take a look around at society, there is no structure; nothing is stable based on the mindset. People do whatever they want without regards, whether it can affect someone else. It’s like they have a sense of entitlement. My Christian values influence my personality tremendously; I treat people like the way I would like to be treated. I want to be a bright light in a sometimes very negative dark world. I think about the consequences of my actions before making a move. The personality factors that apply to me the most are family, culture, and genetic determinants. I have explained how family and culture influence my personality. I also believe that genes are a factor as well; I get a lot of who I am from my mother she and I were always very close. The relationship between my mother and I was so great because our personalities were a lot alike. My mother and I looked very much alike, as well.

One personality factor aspect that doesn’t explain my personality entirely is environmental determinants. The personality that I have is not affected by the environment around me. I can be in a negative situation and will remain positive as well as upbeat. My belief is if the environment negatively affects people, then change it. I cannot think of a time when the environment made my personality change, especially not in a negative way.

I want to gain a better understanding of my personality because I want to be the best me that I can be. Right now, I am taking forensic psychology, but I would like to receive a master’s degree in counseling. My calling is to prepare couples for marriage and counseling during the marriage. The advice that I am going to do will be Christian based of course; however, even with that being said, a specific type of personality is required. In my opinion, there is a lot about my personality that prepares me for my career. A counselor has to be tolerant, supportive, empathetic, patient, and intuitive to name a few things.

Love Yourself

Just wanted to make it clear that self-love and being a lover of self isn’t the same. Self-love is positive; it’s feeling good about yourself self acceptance. Lover of self is negative; it has a self-centered attitude, being vain, and narcissistic.

All human eyes have the structure of the pupil, cornea, and iris, etc. However, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We are all attractive to some people, and we are all not so appealing to others. Don’t ever take it personally and don’t allow anyone to come for your self-esteem. It is what it is. In my opinion, it’s just a way that helps to eliminate the wrong people from out of our lives. Which is one of the biggest reasons why we shouldn’t put the power of boosting our self-esteem into the hands of others it could become abused easily. Besides, our worth isn’t based on the validation of others.

It’s essential to be our best selves above anything else. For most of us, there is only one of us unless we have a twin, which is rare. We should take care of ourselves by eating right and exercising and making sure that we are getting the proper sleep. Learning to not stress behind things that cannot be controlled one way or another thing always work out. Words are powerful; it’s so essential to speak positivity into your life. Be a positive person so that you become quick to uplift others. Make improvements daily. Do some traveling. Do something that you haven’t done before if you have been attracting the wrong people or making the wrong choices figure out why by digging deep into yourself. Make it a point to break the monotony of reliving the same situations over and over again. Make decisions that will have the repercussions of reaping a blessed harvest. Never forget that many of our choices affect our future and sometimes our children’s future as well.

Remember people who attempt to tug at your self-esteem and self-confidence aren’t worth entertaining. It’s great to be opened to constructive criticism beware of serial critics. A person who truly cares will bring out the best in you, not the worse. Best friends aren’t jealous. True sisterhood doesn’t dox or drain one another’s souls. We will know people by their fruits. Actions speak louder than words.

I have experienced a lot in my life, and the advice that I give comes from a place of growth, not from bitterness. I have healed, and I want to help others to get healed as well. Being a realist doesn’t necessarily make a person negative it’s not what’s said but how and why. Honesty isn’t always going to come in a present that is wrapped in a pretty bow, especially when it comes to looking at ourselves. Even though we can sometimes be our worst critics, it’s a sign of growth to be able to evaluate ourselves. We know ourselves the best, and obviously, we have our best interest in mind after all it’s our lives. To become our best selves, we must realize when we are not. Being honest with ourselves is the best sign of loving ourselves without having to rely on others opinions.

Example of loving yourself is being mindful of who we accept advice from and being opened to receive it. Example some people believe that only happily married people are the only ones who can give great information about marriage and that is the furthest thing from the truth. A person from a failed marriage can talk about where things went wrong. Happily married people also went through things too, but they chose to stick it out for various reasons. Different situations happen to different people; all advice doesn’t apply. Everyone isn’t right, and everyone isn’t wrong. I have learned that great help can come from anyone don’t reject it based on who it’s coming from when you can tell that they mean well. When people don’t mean well, you’ll be able to know because you can feel their negative vibes. Negative energy is unmistakable, and life is too short for that. So make it a point to keep your space a negative opinion-free zone and get your shine on.

Imagine what could happen once we tap into ourselves and discover our hidden potential to be great it can only happen once we accept and love ourselves. love-yourself1

Who Cares?

I am digging down deep in the depths of my soul and saying this most nonchalantly. “Who cares?” Who cares about who a person dated in their past? If it’s not affecting you in any way why is it any of your business?

I had touched on this subject before however, a recent situation pushed me to blog about it once more. A black woman felt compelled to explain her current dating choice because of her past dating choices. This situation is about interracial dating. I am over people who want to bond through the pain because they can’t stand to see others happy. Who this woman was in the past and who she is today more than likely aren’t the same. Everything happens for a reason, and everything serves some purpose. Adverse situations can teach people that they deserve better. We live. We learn. We grow. This black woman that I speak of used to date both black and white men. She has since decided to partner with white men only. So what? There could be several reasons why she has chosen to change her dating choices, things like past relationships, or doing what she always wanted to do. I can relate. My mother didn’t welcome my preference for white men, and she made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I get that she came up in a different time, but it didn’t change my desires. She allowed me to listen to heavy metal but watching the videos was so hard. I loved watching the video of handsome white men with gorgeous long hair. The video for Christian Woman by Type O Negative changed my life.

We all are quick to say live your life, but if you don’t have the support of your family, certain life events can be challenging to pursue when people are making you feel as if you are doing something wrong or they show that they are straight against it. We all need support, which is the reason why people keep their deepest desires to themselves until they feel confident enough to act on them.

It’s so vital for us to love and know ourselves enough to do what is best for us in our lives. If there is one that I have learned over the years through the bullying etc. is that it’s essential to love yourself. I have seen people attempting to expose someone else as a way to stop them from pursuing their happiness — the same way this black woman’s past relationships came out. Just because a person is afraid to act on their desires doesn’t give them the green light to influences yours these people’s opinions should be the least to be concerned about especially if these people are strangers. Why are these people attempting to stop someone else’s happiness? We should never forget that messengers have motives. Some people will stop at nothing to keep others miserable. What could be so wrong about being attracted to someone from a different race? After all, love has no color. We should be able to love who we want unapologetically without feeling the need to explain ourselves.

The Story of My Life

Growing up my walls were plastered with posters of Skid Row, Kiss, Cinderella etc. My mother bought me t-shirts with Guns N Roses and Pantera on them. I’ve never went a long with what was considered to be the collective of the black community. I listen to all music but metal/ rock music is my favorite besides the lyrics in the rap music of today are disrespectful. I’m not interested in music that constantly degrades women it just isn’t cool. There are some women who listens to this kind of music with the excuse of well they aren’t talking about me. Which is so completely lame. Some of these rappers only concern is to make money not even wanting a gold or platinum record like how it was years ago. Rappers years ago wanted to make positive changes in the community. Things are so different from years ago that it almost breaks my heart.

The thing about the internet and social media people are able to connect and tell their truths. I can totally relate about being told that I’m not black enough because of my choices in music, social views etc. What’s being black enough anyway? Isn’t my skin color enough? I never understood the phrases “acting white” or “not being black enough”. Still I’ve heard this most of my life. It only kept me isolated when I was young. I can definitely relate to this video it’s the story of my life.

Who Can We Trust?

I will be sincere I have trust issues, and you can trust me on this. Depending on who we talk to trust isn’t thought of in the same capacity. Some people don’t trust certain people due to specific “experiences” while giving other people a blank check to do as they please. They will chalk up trusting a lover who’s a repeat cheating offender as “Everybody plays the fool sometimes.” In a nutshell, trust isn’t always what it seems to be.

Trust once it’s broken will never be the same again. Is this a statement that we can trust? Whether or not we choose to admit it at some point, we have to trust somebody such as the people who prepares our food at restaurants, grocery stores, trusting drivers to obey the rules of the road, authors of books that schools teach our children with, etc. We don’t necessarily trust politicians, but we still vote and put them into offices. The government cannot always be trusted with the shutdowns and layoffs. Thinking of who can we trust, and the possibility of being let down can bring on all types of anxiety.

How about our pastors? Sadly the church has lost a lot of our trust due to some people’s bad behavior and always asking for money. The situation with the church is deep, in my opinion; the wrong kinds of people lead the church. People should have their eyes on God, not on people. People will quit going to church, give up on God, and use their bad experiences with people to justify their actions. These same people will trust certain people over and over again. I will go deeper into this subject at a later time.

We can trust our family, friends, and significant others, right? Hmmm. I suggest that you don’t look at the divorce rates or watch the Maury show.

In recent years I have seen a lot, and other people have as well. As times goes on, less and fewer people are inclined to trust anything or anyone. It seems that most people who are trying to gain our trust have hidden agendas. Some people try to get close to pump you for information that they will use against you down the line. We are human beings we all have made mistakes, and as long as we live, it will happen again. I can’t take people who pick and choose the people who they decide to give great trust to seriously. It just shows the lack of importance placed on trust, which is the reason why I have trust issues.

Trusting a person’s experience is also a gamble I have learned this from the interviewing of victims and witnesses class. To trust a person’s experience would mean trusting their memories, there are things which can taint the accuracy of their memories like their feelings towards certain people or subjects, which is the reason why detectives rely heavily on forensics because a person’s memory isn’t always accurate and false memories are still possible. Even relying on the memories right after an incident may not be authentic multiple people can witness it but have different recollections. Yep. Trust, at times, can be a tricky thing.

Three top mottos have helped me a little with my trust issues:

Be a person that can be trusted.
It’s possible that we could be wrong about a situation.
Expect the unexpected

I pray for discernment because the thought of opening myself up to trust people is just downright scary.