Who Cares?

I am digging down deep in the depths of my soul and saying this in the most nonchalant way. “Who cares?” Who cares about who a person dated in their past? If it’s not affecting you in any kind of way why is it any of your business?

I have touched on this subject before however a recent situation pushed me to blog about it once more. A black woman literally felt compelled to explain her current dating choice because of her past dating choices. Obviously, this is pertaining to interracial dating. I am over people who want to bond through pain because they can’t stand to see others happy. Who this woman was in the past and who she is today more than likely aren’t the same. Everything happens for a reason and everything serves some kind of purpose. Bad situations can teach people that they deserve better. We live. We learn. We grow. This black woman used to date both black and white men. She has since decided to date white men only. So what? There could be several reasons why she has chosen to change her dating choices things like past relationships or doing what she always wanted to do. I can totally relate. My mother didn’t welcome my preference for white men and she made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I get that she came up in a different time but it didn’t change my desires. She allowed me to listen to heavy metal but watching the videos was so hard. I loved watching video of handsome white men with gorgeous long hair. The video for Christian Woman by Type O Negative changed my life.

We all are quick to say live your life but if you don’t have the support of your family certain life events can be difficult to pursue. Especially when they are making you feel as if you are doing something wrong or they show that they are straight against it. We all need support. Which is the reason why people keep their deepest desires to themselves until they feel confident enough to act on them.

It’s so important for us to love and know ourselves enough to do what is best for us in our lives. If there is one that I have learned over the years through the bullying etc is that it’s important to love yourself. I have seen people attempting to expose someone else as a way to stop them from pursuing their happiness. The same way this black woman’s past relationships is being exposed. Just because a person is afraid to act on their desires doesn’t give them a green light to influences yours these people’s opinions should be the least to be concerned about. Especially if these people are strangers. Why are these people attempting to stop someone else’s happiness? We should never forget that messengers have motives. Some people will stop at nothing to keep others miserable. What could be so wrong about being attracted to someone from a different race? After all love has no color. We should be able to love who we want unapologetically without feeling the need to explain ourselves.

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Who Can We Trust?

I will be completely honest I have trust issues and you can trust me on this. Depending on who we talk to trust isn’t thought of in the same capacity. Some people don’t trust certain people due to certain “experiences” while giving other people a blank check to do as they please. They will chalk up trusting a lover who’s a repeat cheating offender as “Everybody plays the fool sometimes”. In a nutshell trust isn’t always what it seems to be.

Trust once it’s broken will never be the same again. Is this a statement that we can trust? Whether or not we choose to admit it at some point we have to trust somebody such as the people who prepares our food at restaurants, grocery stores, trusting drivers to obey the rules of the road, authors of books that schools teach our children with etc. We don’t necessarily trust politicians but we still vote and put them into offices. The government cannot always be trusted with the shutdowns and layoffs. Thinking of who can we trust and the possibility of being let down can bring on all types of anxiety.

How about our pastors? Sadly the church has lost a lot of our trust due to some people’s bad behavior and always asking for money. The situation with the church is deep in my opinion the wrong kinds of people lead the church. People should have their eyes on God not on people. People will quit going to church, give up on God, and use their bad experiences with people to justify their actions. Yet these same people will trust certain people over and over again. I will go deeper into this subject at a later time.

We can trust our family, friends, and significant others, right? Hmmm. I suggest that you don’t look at the divorce rates or watch the Maury show.

In my recent years I have seen a lot and other people have as well. As times goes on less and less people are inclined to trust anything or anyone. It seems that most people who are trying to gain our trust have hidden agendas. Some people try to get close just to pump you for information that they will use against you down the line. We are human beings we all have made mistakes and as long as we live it will happen again. I just can’t take people who pick and choose the people who they choose to give extensive trust to seriously. It just shows the lack of importance that is placed on trust. Which is the reason why I have trust issues.

Trusting a person’s experience is also a gamble I have learned this from the interviewing of victims and witnesses class. To trust a person’s experience would mean trusting their memories there are things which can taint the accuracy of their memories like their feelings towards certain people or subjects. Which is the reason why detectives rely heavily on forensics because a person’s memory isn’t always accurate and false memories are always possible. Even relying on the memories right after an incident may not be accurate multiple people can witness it but have different recollections. Yep. Trust at times can be a difficult thing.

There are three top mottos that have helped me a little with my trust issues:

Be a person that can be trusted.
It’s possible that we could be wrong about a situation.
Expect the unexpected

I pray for discernment because the thought of opening myself up to trust people is just downright scary.

Leave It in the Past

Year after year goes by
And people tell themselves
That things will be different
This time
They make a new year’s resolution
As if it’s a magic potion or
An automatic solution
For whatever the problem may be
Still everything in life
Isn’t that easy
Some things are just
Too painful
When a person tells
You to leave things
In the past
Depending on what it is
It’s a sign of them
Having a lack of compassion
Or attempting to not deal
With a situation
Some situations have to be
Dealt with
Because they aren’t avoidable
One shouldn’t consider
Themselves a Christian
Is they have no empathy
For others
No one sat in school
And told the social studies teacher
To leave history
In the past
Or they would have failed
History class
Have they not heard
Of the saying
Those who don’t learn
For the past are
Doomed to repeat it
If certain situations
Are dealt with
How could it be left
In the past
The healing process
Can never began
Without acknowledging mistakes
That have caused pain
Things can’t just be
Swept under a rug
Try having understand
Before speaking as if
You do
Or you will only
Become part of the monster
Of a person’s past
Simply because you are
Trying to get past
A situation that you don’t
Want to deal with
Or don’t care about
Maybe because
It’s not you
Trying saying those
Words to a domestic violence survivor
Or family member
Of a murder victim
Be part of the solution
Not the salt being applied
To an already severe wound

It is Better to Have Loved

Growing up my mind was consumed
Of dreams of having a house
With a white picket fence
Stories of
Cinderella and Snow White
That consisted of highlights of a kiss given
That broke a horrible spell
Or being set free
From the bondage
Of an ungrateful wicked family
Who happiness
Was a beauty’s misery
Still the endings
Were always ones of
Happily ever afters
Then I grew up
And realised
That real love isn’t
A fairy tale
That true love
Sometimes consists of
Having an understanding
That a special moment
Is sometimes all that we are
Blessed to have
It could be the right person
But the wrong time
It could be the right time
But the wrong person
They may not be in a position
To give what is required
Even holding on
For longer than
We should can have long lasting
Consequences
I am not saying that
Having love isn’t important
Because it is
Love alone isn’t always enough
Is all that I am saying
Love is beautiful
Being in love is amazing
Even more so
When it’s mutual
When the love is true
The love is without boundaries
It’s given completely
Unapologetically
Free of the fear
Of being vulnerable
Not concerned about
Who loves who the most
Because true love is
Immeasurable
It’s a true treasure
With the heavy appraisal tag worth
Of being accountable and responsible
In order for things to work
Being prepared
For the possible
Finality of a relationship
That’s the reality of life
It’s loving a person enough
To let them go
Even though it
Was something
That we never dreamt of doing
It’s always wishing
Them well no matter what
The outcome is
If the feeling is the opposite
Then perhaps it wasn’t
Real love to begin with
True love isn’t selfish
It’s being totally committed
It’s being selfless
Real love, true love
Isn’t a fairy tale
Just by our judgment and actions alone
When we are in love
Shows that it’s not easy to
Create or imagine
It’s raw and not simple
Love doesn’t guarantee
That people won’t get hurt
Still as the famous
Quote goes
It is better to have loved
And lost than never to
Have loved at all

DON’T THEY CARE ABOUT ME? DIDN’T I MEAN SOMETHING TO THEM?

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No matter what time of year it is, it’s difficult post-breakup, especially when we wonder whether someone cares about us, but times of the year like Valentine’s and Christmas/The Holidays are tough.
We like to feel that we meant something, that we were important, “missable” etc. At this time of year though, that urge increases as the post arrives and there’s no card. Our phone beeps, and there’s no text message. Or we refresh our email and check our junk box, and there’s no email. We look for signs of life from them on Facebook and see that they’re moving on or that they appear happier than we are. We secretly wonder if they’ll show up over the next week or so. If they’ve moved on and we haven’t, it will eat away at us. If they haven’t changed (or we think they have with someone else) or we ultimately don’t end up hearing from them, it’s felt like a blow to our self-esteem.

Don’t they care about me? Didn’t I mean something to them? Don’t they miss me? Am I so easy to replace?
Years ago when I broke up with my ex, even though it was me that ended it and despite my long list of reasons, I hated that he wasn’t hunting me down to say he missed me. He wasn’t trying to get in touch, or hurling himself on the floor begging me for mercy. I actually attempted to make him discuss the relationship because, you know, it’s what people do.

My view was that we ‘should’ be working to be amicable. I felt that he ‘should’ desire to learn from his mistakes. But most of all, I needed validation that he missed me, that he cared. Truth be told, I didn’t miss him. I cared, but if I dig deep, I cared about how I looked in the context of him not caring.

I must be unlovable, I mustn’t be ‘good enough’ because the ‘prince’ hasn’t hopped on his horse and blazed in to rescue me. Yeah…
His lack of effort to keep in touch ate away at me. Even though I was moving on, I hated being The Person Whose Ex Didn’t Care Enough To Beat a Path to Her Door. One day I got him on the phone, and I let rip. We had an awful argument which I managed to do with clenched teeth in a low voice in the office. As I listened to myself, I suddenly wondered what the hell I was doing. And then wearily he said, “I don’t know what it is you want from me. You left me. You finished it with me…”. Deep embarrassment struck.

In hindsight, I recognise that I was emotionally demanding and getting hijacked by my ego. I was having a pop at someone who I’d left, who wasn’t able to meet my needs. My ego hated that he wasn’t pandering to me and making me feel better about my decision. I left him alone after that.

Don’t they care about me? Didn’t I mean something to them? Don’t they miss me? Am I so easy to replace?
They very likely did care about you and possibly even still do, but the relationship is over. Not moving on with your life does not equate to still caring about someone. It means that you may be stuck and hurting. Pain is not love.

You did mean something to them, but you may have different ideas of what that should be. Even so, it doesn’t mean they have to chase you around.

THEY PROBABLY DO MISS YOU, AND HOPEFULLY IT’S FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, BUT SOMETIMES, AS MANY A BAGGAGE RECLAIM READER CAN ATTEST TO, THEY MISS YOU FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
However, whatever the reasons are for someone missing you that doesn’t mean that it’s right for them to chase you or try to get back together. If the relationship wasn’t working, it was with good reason. Unless those reasons have gone, they can miss you, but it doesn’t change the issues in your relationship.

IT’S NOT ABOUT BEING EASY TO REPLACE. WHO PEOPLE GET INVOLVED WITH IS NOT ABOUT ‘REPLACEMENTS’. YOU DON’T OWN THEM OR THE ‘SPOT’ IN THEIR LIFE.
Once the relationship is over, hard as it is to hear, we have no right to make emotional demands on ex-partners. We can’t expect them to prove how much we meant and we shouldn’t really expect them to stroke our ego. We don’t like it when they do this stuff to us!

Part of the reason why we look for validation from our exes and wonder if they still care about us is that we are in pain. We likely haven’t moved on, and we like to think that our exes are also in pain and that they too haven’t moved on. Of course, when they have, and we haven’t, or we deem it ‘too soon’, we wonder, How can they just move on as if I don’t exist?

One of the lessons I learned from my various relationships is that we’re not clones of each other. Just because we share a relationship with someone and may even believe that we think alike and that we’re ‘soulmates’, it doesn’t mean that we can’t each have very different ideas about how we should behave after the breakup. One of the biggest sources of friction is where we think that the other party isn’t ‘considering our feelings’. While there’s undoubtedly a respectful period, particularly where mutual friends are concerned when it’s the ‘done thing’ not to flaunt your new relationship or your happy single life, there is a limit and a line that shouldn’t be crossed.

We cannot control other people.
If you found it tricky to control them in the relationship, it’s even trickier to do so out of it.

Control isn’t a word that a lot of people like to hear, but a large part of why we get sucked into wanting affirmations of the other person’s care is that we want to control them, which in turn distracts from ourselves. If they’re caring about us in the way that we deem appropriate, then it will feel like we still have some sort of emotional tie to them.

When they move on or they don’t run around trying to demonstrate how much they care, we feel out of control.

This is because we are still hurting and struggling to move on. Them not contributing to the emotional pot makes us not only feel away about the pain that we’re holding on to but also makes it even harder to hold onto any last illusions we may be clinging to.

People can care, but they can care from afar.
When a relationship ends, we cease to be at the centre of that person’s thoughts, decisions and life, and that’s part and parcel of breaking up. The relationship is broken.

PART OF GRIEVING THE LOSS OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND MOVING FORWARD IS NOT DISTORTING THINGS BY PUTTING YOURSELF AT THE CENTRE OF THEIR ACTIONS.
They’ve met someone else; that means they lied to me and that they don’t care about me. It means they met someone else. Everyone deals with things in different ways. Some people dive straight into another relationship, some don’t. Some people do care but the relationship is over, and they are free to have a go with someone else.
They’re not calling me even though I cut contact with them; it means they don’t care about me. It means that they’re getting on with their life (and possibly respecting your wishes). They may be giving you enough credit to assume that you’re not playing games. They didn’t think that you cut contact to provoke them into changing/chasing.
They’ve gone back to their ex; that means they never cared about me. Bit of an extreme assumption. The relationship ending may have made them realise that they want to give their old relationship a shot. Relationships ending make us vulnerable. OK, and for some people, they go back to their exes because that person is their fallback option. And then yes, for others, they realise they still love their ex. This isn’t about not caring; they hadn’t healed from their previous relationship.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
If they don’t get in touch, or send you a Christmas card, beat your door down begging to get back together, or make more of an effort to chase you, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care at all but it does mean that they don’t care enough and there is a difference.

It’s also–and this may be hard to hear–not a game to provoke the person into being and doing what you want. Especially when someone has got used to a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, they may decide enough is enough and that they don’t want to participate in the dynamic. Or they may assume that when they feel good and ready about getting in touch, you’ll be there anyway. Be careful – this is a game that never ends well.

DECIDING THAT SOMEONE DOESN’T CARE AT ALL INVALIDATES YOUR ENTIRE MEMORY OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND THE PERSON.
You don’t have to be so all or nothing. Not all relationships are meant to work out. Every love interest can’t be The One. This doesn’t mean that if people don’t jump to your beat or the relationship ends that they didn’t care at all for you, but depending on what they’ve been and done in the relationship with you, it may mean that they didn’t care enough. If you accepted less than who you are and what you need in this relationship, then you already know this.

And actually they could have cared a lot for you, but your relationship just didn’t work out.
It’s not really very fair to be like, Oh we broke up, you never cared about or loved me. Some people love each other a lot, but they’re incompatible, and all the love in the world would not have made their relationship work. That’s because love alone is not enough.

Emotionally unavailable people have a limited capacity to care because of their avoidance of their feelings.
Expecting an abuser to become caring is like putting your bucket down an empty well and wondering why no water comes back up.
If someone didn’t care about you enough in the relationship, it is a waste of your energy to wonder why they don’t bother now that they’re out of the relationship.
The chief reason we concern ourselves with why someone who mistreated us in the relationship isn’t treating us well outside of it is that on some level, we had hoped that by no longer being with them that it would cause them to miss us and to ultimately treat us better.

TOO MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT LOVE AND CARE IS BEING CHASED AROUND AND HAVING THE POWER TO CHANGE AND GALVANISE SOMEONE INTO BEING ‘BETTER’ BY WITHDRAWING. EXHAUSTING WORK.
It’s the old adage – you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. True…but what people always forget is this:

Even when we do realise how great/valuable/lovable a person is and what a huge mistake we may have made, in having some level of connection to ourselves, we may also realise that not only are we not capable of being and doing what that person wants, but that they may also be too good for us.

Validate your own perception of the relationship. Accept that they cared, but that for whatever reason the relationship is over. You cannot quantify how much someone cared for you and literally count it up like money, but you can tell by the relationship you were in. However long you spent together, they’ve likely cared to some level but just not to what you needed or wanted. Only you know the relationship you were in. If you felt loved, cared, trusted, respected, why invalidate that memory because the relationship is over and they’re not chasing you like a blue-arsed fly?

WHAT WOULD CONSTITUTE THEM CARING ABOUT YOU?
Pestering you morning, noon, and night and you having the opportunity to ignore them?
Asking you for sex?
Saying “I miss you but I can’t be with you/I’ve met someone else”?
Going “OK, I’ll change into the person you want me to be”?
Saying “I won’t be with anyone else until you are with someone”?
Saying “You were right and I was wrong”?
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What do you actually want from them? Write it down, voice it, and then examine how realistic your expectations are.
People can care about you, but that doesn’t make them right for you or the relationship.

People can also care while also having enough self-respect and self-preservation to not want to keep stoking the fire of a dysfunctional dynamic.

If it’s dysfunctional, at some point, at least one of you has to get off the merry-go-round.

People can also care about you and do things that are very destructive to a relationship because they have unhealthy love habits. They may have low self-esteem and do things that are fundamentally counterproductive to the relationship because they either know no better or are sabotaging it in the pursuit of the self-fulfilling prophecy. For your own sake, you don’t need someone like this showing you their ‘care’.

Whatever it is, stop punishing yourself by telling yourself that they don’t care about you. If you have instances of them showing care in the relationship, even though it may not have been enough, it shows a level of care. It doesn’t cancel out any pain experienced, but it adds some balance to your perspective. Note, it also doesn’t mean that you should go back!

But outside of the relationship, looking for instances of care is like looking for water in the desert – few and far between. That’s not because they don’t care; it’s because the relationship is over.

Let go of your expectations of validation from them and validate yourself. Even if they didn’t or don’t care about you, it’s time you start caring about yourself. When you do, you’ll spend less time trying to analyse the levels of their care. You will focus on nurturing yourself.

Your thoughts? This is not my post. This is a repost.

Dear Jason

One day at a time, one prayer at a time I have moved on many years ago. Just because a person has laid down a torch for a person for whom they were once in love with doesn’t mean that one can’t reflect on certain things. You may never read this letter but it’s all right. Beethoven wrote a letter to his immortal beloved in hopes that she would get it and she did. People still release doves at weddings and balloons on birthdays for sentimental reasons. There is nothing wrong with hoping that something will happen. Not sure as to why but for some reason you were on my mind which isn’t unusual but it was much different this time. This past November 1st I wanted to cry. I am not the same young twenty-something-year-old woman that I was many years ago. Sure I am still strong, smart, kind, caring, loving, faithful, loyal, hardworking, educated, etc. I am speaking of the person beneath all of those things that I just named the broken person who I never faced until now, I have come to accept many things. I’m healed so I’m woman enough to admit it. I believe that an apology is in order. An apology isn’t shared it’s clear, heartfelt and sincere. An apology doesn’t make up excuses otherwise it would be useless. This apology is given with the hopes of understanding occurring. So twenty-something years later I’m woman enough to say it. Please allow me to explain it. How many times had you reached out for my hand? How many times had you stood up for our relationship? How many times had you shown me how much you loved me at the time? All you ever did was try to love me truly. Many people on the outside could see it. It’s hard to receive something that was never taught or witnessed prior to our love. I didn’t know how to receive the blessing that you tried so hard to give me. We never talked about me being broken emotionally. You loved me for me and I know it was hard at the time. We were both so young. I wasn’t ready because I didn’t realize things until recent years now everything is all clear. To be honest, I felt guilty like I didn’t deserve you. I witnessed my mother who was amazing, strong, enduring a lot of abuse and lots of struggling love. She never received what she truly wanted. She was great but she constantly settled for less. She was in relationships that were mediocre. I thought to myself how come she wasn’t blessed with a love that was healthy? So I felt that it was my fate. That if my mother wasn’t blessed with something special then how could I? Sadly,years later after a few failed relationships with men who knew nothing about loving a woman and me not choosing right. I’ve come to know that love is an action word. It’s giving 100 percent on both ends. It’s looking at ourselves and making sure that we are ready for what’s to come. It’s evaluating ourselves so that we don’t have to realize years later about our mistakes. One of my exes cheated is abusive, disrespectful, manipulative, a deadbeat father the list goes on. Dysfunction is an ugly snowball that creates a slippery slope that is neverending, ever. My whole life I fought to not inherit a love life like my mother’s only to have one that is similar to it. I’ve seen the opposite of great and looking back…it’s alright because I’m in an okay place. Immature people laugh at vulnerability or try to manipulate it the first chance when there is an advantage. People get older mature and look at where they messed up, where things went wrong. They admit it after all the more we know the more we grow. I’ve learned that no one is above hurting someone whether it’s unintentionally or intentionally. We have to be quick to make things right and give an apology whenever necessary immediately. It’s important to be aware that being right isn’t more important than losing the one whom you love because you may be wrong after all we are all human. I’m older and I pray that one day you will be able to know how sorry that I am for being hard to love it was all that I knew. I never witnessed anything else but I grew from it. No, I wasn’t perfect and neither were you. But we were perfect for one another at the time. I know that you are in a different state of mind and so am I, however, it doesn’t change what happened which is why I am apologizing now. I pray that the woman in our life, love you, value you, love you hard, love you back, love you in every way that you want. You deserve to be loved more than anything because you deserve nothing less than greatness I pray that you have it. I do not in any way expect automatic forgiveness but I do hope for it. I understand that forgiveness is a two-way street an apology has to be accepted. In the meantime I just wanted to apologize for the things that I did, the things that I once believed, and the things that I said.

My Best,

Tameeka

Love’s Dog

We all want to feel it
Yet we all fear it
Nobody wants to be love’s dog
Love is so beautiful
Yet it can be so painful
Seems like nobody wants
To love only one person for
All of eternity anymore
Love today
And it’s gone tomorrow
How can something
That was once so amazing
Be over
Nobody wants to be love’s dog
We become acquainted with love
Then somehow gradually let it go
Feelings that were once mutual gone
Days of laughter
Become sorrow
How can two people
Who seems to have the right chemistry
Relationships’ have an unhappy ending
It’s a mystery
Past situations should have taught us
How to endure
To help us to love better
In the future
We want to front on the person
Whom we want our forever with
We refuse to think
Beyond temperamental differences and bad memories
In our quest to love
We must think differently
It’s truly essential
But things can’t take off because
Nobody wants to be love’s dog
From lovely days to
Lonely days
We close the entrances to our hearts
That have been damaged severely
From heartache, broken trust,
And major disappointments
All by the one whom we thought was appointed
To us beyond a belief moment
Nobody wants to be love’s dog
The world today
Sleeps on opportunities
Instead of ceases it
Treating it like a layaway
As if true love waits
And never goes away
We all want a happily ever after
But love’s unpredictability
Can be too much to bare
Nobody wants to be love’s dog