This Time of Year

I always get sad
Around this time of year
It’s when my mother
Left from here
Let me make myself clear
When it comes to
The death of a love one
You never heal
It’s impossible to get over
Losing someone who
You held so near, so dear
To your heart
There are always
Things that remind you
That they are gone
A picture, a memory, a song
Holidays, birthdays
Every time I reached
An important moment in my life
I would whisper
This is for you mom
I often wonder
How things would be like
If she was here
What advice would
She have given me
To help to endure hardships
She was so strong
She was so courageous
She was a leader
She was a blessing
She was my hero
Which is why all
I ever wanted to do
Was to make her happy
And to see her smile
It’s still impossible
For me to talk about her
Without holding back my tears
Bottled up feelings
Resides inside even though
I live my life
As best as I can
Even after twenty-one years this Saturday
It’s still feels as if
She passed yesterday
This is why I say
If you have lost
A special someone
Don’t allow anyone
To make you feel
As if the grief process has a limit
To heck with that
Never feel bad about
Mourning the one you love
Or for missing them
The pain is for life
Death of a love one
Will always hurt

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The Letter

My life keeps getting more and more interesting by each and every minute. I’m a huge fan of the movie Immortal Beloved it’s based on the life of Beethoven. There are so many parts of the movie I love the actor Gary Oldman did a fantastic job. Gary Oldman brought the movie to life he’s a brilliant actor underrated for sure. This movie came out in 1994 perhaps my top favorite thing besides the music was a letter that Beethoven wrote to the woman that he truly loved. Ahhhhh yes I love the words “ever thine ever mine ever ours”  words from a great man. I know what you are thinking what is Tameeka talking about now? I’ll be getting to that in a minute. My ex and I are like polar opposites it’s the truth. I don’t hate him I just look back at what we had as a life lesson. It is what it is. The posts that I write are to encourage and inspire somebody. I believe that there is someone somewhere who’s going through what I am going through. Anyway back on topic.

It’s amazing when you are trying to move on things from the past fall out of nowhere. I found a letter written by my soon to be ex husband from five years ago. That’s right five years ago. I think the purpose of the letter is for closure. It wasn’t about the letter being from him it was about what was in it. He wrote me many different letters it’s weird that this one suddenly appears. Out of all the letters written why this one I have moved from one address to another and this letter pops up. The letter had several different questions so I assume that perhaps these are unanswered questions that he may have. I will answer the questions in this post it’s not like he’ll ever read it anyway it’s all about closure. Closure is definitely a great thing.

When my ex ask questions he always wants it done with a “simple yes or no” well things aren’t always that easy.  The paragraph starts with,”Let me ask you these questions because it seems that I am not getting a straight answer from you just answer these questions with a yes or no let’s keep it simple”. Do you still want to be with me? Do you even miss me? Do you love me? Why you ain’t never  say that you love me? Do you regret being with me? When my ex got locked up it made me very angry. I wanted an intact family and it got destroyed so I was angry for a long time. When he was sentenced in 2007 I called about the status and when the lady told me 240 months I was devastated. My world came crashing down life that I knew had changed. I’m no different from other mothers I wanted the house with the white picketed fence things were ruined in a blink of an eye. At the time I did miss him it wasn’t about the financial help our sons were growing up without him. He missed out on a huge chunk of our children’s lives so many memories he will never have. Did I love him ever yes I did. It’s amazing how people can’t see how a person loved them. I showed it and told him that too. I never regretted being with my ex it took him to make our two sons. Our sons are like an exact replica of us it’s quite astonishing. I never regretted him and I never will.

I believe that closure can only happen when things are faced or we will continue to think about things and reliving things that have been long over. Being stuck in the past only robs the present which is a gift. I can’t change what happened but I have forgiven my ex as well let go of lots of anger. My ex needs to let go of his anger as well because there’s no sense in it. I pray for my ex’s salvation because he doesn’t believe in Christ. I pray that God touches his heart in a mighty way that the next marriage he has is a blessed one. In order for him to have a blessed union he has to let go of the anger and the hate it will only poison all of his relationships including the ones with our children. Taking the same old bricks into a new relationship will only destroy it and I don’t want our children to ever blame themselves. Father God touch my ex’s heart so it will soften and he let’s You in so that You can give him a new start. Lord You know that I mean every word and it’s coming from the heart. Please handle it Father God everything is in Your Hands. I thank You in advanced. Amen.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things passed away; all things are become new.

Missing You

Some days are harder than others

Mother’s day, birthdays and holidays

There’s a huge hole in my heart

That nothing can repair

I wish I could see you

Face to face

To let you know

How much that I care

Mom I miss you

And I love you

In though you passed in 1997

It still feels like it was yesterday

I guess it’s best to feel

This way that way

You memories will never fade

And I care carry you

In my heart always

The Tears That We Cry

Yes we try to smile

But behind it

Lies a pain

That’s unbearable

And so very horrible

It’s when someone  special dies

It causes so much hurt inside

No matter how much

Time goes by

Still feels like the day

That the person died

We miss them so much

Wishing that they

We’re still here on Earth

There will always be

A huge hole in our hearts

A band aid nor a first aid kit

Can not fix the damage

Still with God’s help

We try to manage to

Take it day by day

As long as we remember them

Thinking of all the good

That they have done

We can carry them in our hearts

All we can do is try

To understand God’s plan

Of who He chooses

To call home to Heaven

We have to trust

This will help us

Believing and knowing

That we will see them again

May God comfort us always

During our time of sorrow