My Idea of Love

First and foremost
Love has no color
In my eyes
If anything
We only deprive
Ourselves of
The endless possibilities
By limiting ourselves
Because we are afraid
To think outside
Of the box
Which has nothing
To do with preferences
Let’s be clear
It all boils
Down to fear
Why not step
Beyond our comfort zone
We become free to fly
High and broaden our horizons
We find out that
There is a whole
New world
To explore
That will embrace
Us and give
Us what we deserve
And a lot more
What a treasure
When we realize
That we can
Have better
We begin to change
We begin to grow
We become less hard
We feel more safe
In our womanhood
Understanding that we
Can be tough as nails
Or soft as Daffodils
There is something about
Being a confident lady
Where we feel safe
It changes things
We owe it to ourselves
To see what’s
Out in the world
To stop questioning
Our worth
Because our past relationship
Choices showed it
Our name is not
The United Way,
Salvation Army,
Or Goodwill
We are not
Charity cases
Therefore no one
Should expect to
Come into our worlds
All while displaying
Very little effort
We deserve more
Than lazy daters
We deserve more
Than deadbeat fathers
Who have multiple
Children mothers
All of which they
Have zero thoughts about
Life is so short
Each passing day that goes by
Should consist
Of choices
That reflects realistic
Plans that were thought out
We are better
Than spontaneous decisions
Unless we are traveling
Around the world
Having a priceless worth
If not it will
Be our future
That will be hurt
The right mentality
Will attract the right people
Who are destined to
Be in our lives
But it can’t happen
Without being open
To change
And valuing who we are
We are courageous
We are radiate
We are brilliant
We are a gift
Anyone who says or thinks different
Is out of place
It’s our life
People who wants to
Bring us down shouldn’t be in it
It’s our choice
People who express negative
Is the opposite of positive
They do not serve a purpose
So let them go their way
As we keep shining
Being a beacon light
For true love to find us

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DON’T THEY CARE ABOUT ME? DIDN’T I MEAN SOMETHING TO THEM?

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No matter what time of year it is, it’s difficult post-breakup, especially when we wonder whether someone cares about us, but times of the year like Valentine’s and Christmas/The Holidays are tough.
We like to feel that we meant something, that we were important, “missable” etc. At this time of year though, that urge increases as the post arrives and there’s no card. Our phone beeps, and there’s no text message. Or we refresh our email and check our junk box, and there’s no email. We look for signs of life from them on Facebook and see that they’re moving on or that they appear happier than we are. We secretly wonder if they’ll show up over the next week or so. If they’ve moved on and we haven’t, it will eat away at us. If they haven’t changed (or we think they have with someone else) or we ultimately don’t end up hearing from them, it’s felt like a blow to our self-esteem.

Don’t they care about me? Didn’t I mean something to them? Don’t they miss me? Am I so easy to replace?
Years ago when I broke up with my ex, even though it was me that ended it and despite my long list of reasons, I hated that he wasn’t hunting me down to say he missed me. He wasn’t trying to get in touch, or hurling himself on the floor begging me for mercy. I actually attempted to make him discuss the relationship because, you know, it’s what people do.

My view was that we ‘should’ be working to be amicable. I felt that he ‘should’ desire to learn from his mistakes. But most of all, I needed validation that he missed me, that he cared. Truth be told, I didn’t miss him. I cared, but if I dig deep, I cared about how I looked in the context of him not caring.

I must be unlovable, I mustn’t be ‘good enough’ because the ‘prince’ hasn’t hopped on his horse and blazed in to rescue me. Yeah…
His lack of effort to keep in touch ate away at me. Even though I was moving on, I hated being The Person Whose Ex Didn’t Care Enough To Beat a Path to Her Door. One day I got him on the phone, and I let rip. We had an awful argument which I managed to do with clenched teeth in a low voice in the office. As I listened to myself, I suddenly wondered what the hell I was doing. And then wearily he said, “I don’t know what it is you want from me. You left me. You finished it with me…”. Deep embarrassment struck.

In hindsight, I recognise that I was emotionally demanding and getting hijacked by my ego. I was having a pop at someone who I’d left, who wasn’t able to meet my needs. My ego hated that he wasn’t pandering to me and making me feel better about my decision. I left him alone after that.

Don’t they care about me? Didn’t I mean something to them? Don’t they miss me? Am I so easy to replace?
They very likely did care about you and possibly even still do, but the relationship is over. Not moving on with your life does not equate to still caring about someone. It means that you may be stuck and hurting. Pain is not love.

You did mean something to them, but you may have different ideas of what that should be. Even so, it doesn’t mean they have to chase you around.

THEY PROBABLY DO MISS YOU, AND HOPEFULLY IT’S FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, BUT SOMETIMES, AS MANY A BAGGAGE RECLAIM READER CAN ATTEST TO, THEY MISS YOU FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
However, whatever the reasons are for someone missing you that doesn’t mean that it’s right for them to chase you or try to get back together. If the relationship wasn’t working, it was with good reason. Unless those reasons have gone, they can miss you, but it doesn’t change the issues in your relationship.

IT’S NOT ABOUT BEING EASY TO REPLACE. WHO PEOPLE GET INVOLVED WITH IS NOT ABOUT ‘REPLACEMENTS’. YOU DON’T OWN THEM OR THE ‘SPOT’ IN THEIR LIFE.
Once the relationship is over, hard as it is to hear, we have no right to make emotional demands on ex-partners. We can’t expect them to prove how much we meant and we shouldn’t really expect them to stroke our ego. We don’t like it when they do this stuff to us!

Part of the reason why we look for validation from our exes and wonder if they still care about us is that we are in pain. We likely haven’t moved on, and we like to think that our exes are also in pain and that they too haven’t moved on. Of course, when they have, and we haven’t, or we deem it ‘too soon’, we wonder, How can they just move on as if I don’t exist?

One of the lessons I learned from my various relationships is that we’re not clones of each other. Just because we share a relationship with someone and may even believe that we think alike and that we’re ‘soulmates’, it doesn’t mean that we can’t each have very different ideas about how we should behave after the breakup. One of the biggest sources of friction is where we think that the other party isn’t ‘considering our feelings’. While there’s undoubtedly a respectful period, particularly where mutual friends are concerned when it’s the ‘done thing’ not to flaunt your new relationship or your happy single life, there is a limit and a line that shouldn’t be crossed.

We cannot control other people.
If you found it tricky to control them in the relationship, it’s even trickier to do so out of it.

Control isn’t a word that a lot of people like to hear, but a large part of why we get sucked into wanting affirmations of the other person’s care is that we want to control them, which in turn distracts from ourselves. If they’re caring about us in the way that we deem appropriate, then it will feel like we still have some sort of emotional tie to them.

When they move on or they don’t run around trying to demonstrate how much they care, we feel out of control.

This is because we are still hurting and struggling to move on. Them not contributing to the emotional pot makes us not only feel away about the pain that we’re holding on to but also makes it even harder to hold onto any last illusions we may be clinging to.

People can care, but they can care from afar.
When a relationship ends, we cease to be at the centre of that person’s thoughts, decisions and life, and that’s part and parcel of breaking up. The relationship is broken.

PART OF GRIEVING THE LOSS OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND MOVING FORWARD IS NOT DISTORTING THINGS BY PUTTING YOURSELF AT THE CENTRE OF THEIR ACTIONS.
They’ve met someone else; that means they lied to me and that they don’t care about me. It means they met someone else. Everyone deals with things in different ways. Some people dive straight into another relationship, some don’t. Some people do care but the relationship is over, and they are free to have a go with someone else.
They’re not calling me even though I cut contact with them; it means they don’t care about me. It means that they’re getting on with their life (and possibly respecting your wishes). They may be giving you enough credit to assume that you’re not playing games. They didn’t think that you cut contact to provoke them into changing/chasing.
They’ve gone back to their ex; that means they never cared about me. Bit of an extreme assumption. The relationship ending may have made them realise that they want to give their old relationship a shot. Relationships ending make us vulnerable. OK, and for some people, they go back to their exes because that person is their fallback option. And then yes, for others, they realise they still love their ex. This isn’t about not caring; they hadn’t healed from their previous relationship.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
If they don’t get in touch, or send you a Christmas card, beat your door down begging to get back together, or make more of an effort to chase you, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care at all but it does mean that they don’t care enough and there is a difference.

It’s also–and this may be hard to hear–not a game to provoke the person into being and doing what you want. Especially when someone has got used to a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, they may decide enough is enough and that they don’t want to participate in the dynamic. Or they may assume that when they feel good and ready about getting in touch, you’ll be there anyway. Be careful – this is a game that never ends well.

DECIDING THAT SOMEONE DOESN’T CARE AT ALL INVALIDATES YOUR ENTIRE MEMORY OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND THE PERSON.
You don’t have to be so all or nothing. Not all relationships are meant to work out. Every love interest can’t be The One. This doesn’t mean that if people don’t jump to your beat or the relationship ends that they didn’t care at all for you, but depending on what they’ve been and done in the relationship with you, it may mean that they didn’t care enough. If you accepted less than who you are and what you need in this relationship, then you already know this.

And actually they could have cared a lot for you, but your relationship just didn’t work out.
It’s not really very fair to be like, Oh we broke up, you never cared about or loved me. Some people love each other a lot, but they’re incompatible, and all the love in the world would not have made their relationship work. That’s because love alone is not enough.

Emotionally unavailable people have a limited capacity to care because of their avoidance of their feelings.
Expecting an abuser to become caring is like putting your bucket down an empty well and wondering why no water comes back up.
If someone didn’t care about you enough in the relationship, it is a waste of your energy to wonder why they don’t bother now that they’re out of the relationship.
The chief reason we concern ourselves with why someone who mistreated us in the relationship isn’t treating us well outside of it is that on some level, we had hoped that by no longer being with them that it would cause them to miss us and to ultimately treat us better.

TOO MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT LOVE AND CARE IS BEING CHASED AROUND AND HAVING THE POWER TO CHANGE AND GALVANISE SOMEONE INTO BEING ‘BETTER’ BY WITHDRAWING. EXHAUSTING WORK.
It’s the old adage – you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. True…but what people always forget is this:

Even when we do realise how great/valuable/lovable a person is and what a huge mistake we may have made, in having some level of connection to ourselves, we may also realise that not only are we not capable of being and doing what that person wants, but that they may also be too good for us.

Validate your own perception of the relationship. Accept that they cared, but that for whatever reason the relationship is over. You cannot quantify how much someone cared for you and literally count it up like money, but you can tell by the relationship you were in. However long you spent together, they’ve likely cared to some level but just not to what you needed or wanted. Only you know the relationship you were in. If you felt loved, cared, trusted, respected, why invalidate that memory because the relationship is over and they’re not chasing you like a blue-arsed fly?

WHAT WOULD CONSTITUTE THEM CARING ABOUT YOU?
Pestering you morning, noon, and night and you having the opportunity to ignore them?
Asking you for sex?
Saying “I miss you but I can’t be with you/I’ve met someone else”?
Going “OK, I’ll change into the person you want me to be”?
Saying “I won’t be with anyone else until you are with someone”?
Saying “You were right and I was wrong”?
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What do you actually want from them? Write it down, voice it, and then examine how realistic your expectations are.
People can care about you, but that doesn’t make them right for you or the relationship.

People can also care while also having enough self-respect and self-preservation to not want to keep stoking the fire of a dysfunctional dynamic.

If it’s dysfunctional, at some point, at least one of you has to get off the merry-go-round.

People can also care about you and do things that are very destructive to a relationship because they have unhealthy love habits. They may have low self-esteem and do things that are fundamentally counterproductive to the relationship because they either know no better or are sabotaging it in the pursuit of the self-fulfilling prophecy. For your own sake, you don’t need someone like this showing you their ‘care’.

Whatever it is, stop punishing yourself by telling yourself that they don’t care about you. If you have instances of them showing care in the relationship, even though it may not have been enough, it shows a level of care. It doesn’t cancel out any pain experienced, but it adds some balance to your perspective. Note, it also doesn’t mean that you should go back!

But outside of the relationship, looking for instances of care is like looking for water in the desert – few and far between. That’s not because they don’t care; it’s because the relationship is over.

Let go of your expectations of validation from them and validate yourself. Even if they didn’t or don’t care about you, it’s time you start caring about yourself. When you do, you’ll spend less time trying to analyse the levels of their care. You will focus on nurturing yourself.

Your thoughts? This is not my post. This is a repost.

Your Best You

What works for us may not work for someone else however we need to make sure that we don’t hold ourselves back.

Yesterday I saw so many things that had me thinking about how some people aren’t ready to give themselves the best. We have to stay away from people who deprive themselves and want starve us of our dreams as well.

Most of my life I have had a battle with my weight. Recently I started the Keto Diet and I have been making excellent progress. I’ve lost tons of weight several times in my life so I know the struggle. Anyway I put a picture on Facebook of myself and seconds later I saw a post in my Newsfeed pertaining to Christians who are vain. I hardly ever upload pictures but this lady is overweight. She may attempt to call me vain but she may have a problem with jealousy.

It is said that a picture speaks a thousand words well I beg to differ. My picture is of a woman who has had a battle with weight and a mother who had the battle as well. My mother died of cancer in 1997 and she was overweight. The doctors told me that if my mother had of been slimmer they could have helped her to live longer. The fact is our health is our wealth. We can’t do anything without having good health.

I remember when a lady on YouTube spoke of black women getting their health together and some women got upset but she was right!! In the black community black men tell black women to stay thick the problem is what people think is thick. Newflash thick isn’t obesity. Obesity is the leading cause of certain illnesses like diabetes and high blood pressure.

We should be our best selves. When we are at our best the best harvest is received. Healthy people most times live longer.

I’ve come to realize that most times people aren’t ready to hear the truth even if it’s something that can help them too. Why wouldn’t we want to be the best us?

I remember watching old contestants from world biggest losers and they shared how their perfect weight wasn’t always the recommended weight. They were healthy at a weight that was best for them.

Over the years we have heard about being comfortable with ourselves and that’s a great mindset as long as we are healthy.

I have acid reflux and when I’m overweight I pay for it dearly. I would never put a person down about their weight. I’ve been slim and overweight so I understand the struggle. I only want to inspire and uplifted others. Our lives are not just our own. I have two sons depending on me and I want to be here for them.

Yes! I’m a Christian and we believe that our bodies are temporary however we still need to be healthy. We take care of our houses and cars. Why not our bodies as well?

Family Estrangement

We all have heard the saying that you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. Family estrangement is a situation that no family is a stranger to. The source of the reasons why family estrangement occurs could be numerous. Siblings rivalry due to their parents or just plain old jealousy. We see it every single day on social media and television shows. Maury says that when he starts his day at work he thinks to himself another day of dysfunction. So why does everyone act so shocked about Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex family?
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Some people feel that the Maury show is fake but make no mistake situations on the show does happen in real life. The other day I was watching one of his paternity shows featuring a set of twins who hated each other. One twin told the other twin’s child father that the baby wasn’t his. Now get this the twin who was giving the child’s father this information was sleeping with him. A lie detector test was given to the child’s father and lots of things came out including him possibly impregnating the twin who was causing all of this trouble. After everything was said and done it was proven that the child did belong to the father. Once these people got backstage the twin promised the twin who caused all the trouble that she was going to sleep with every man that she got with. How crazy is that? Dysfunction down to the very core.

Family estrangement seeps through on social media with people posting about their family members for everyone to see. It’s rare that the people who read the posts attempts to defuse the situation whether it’s because they find it entertaining or that they have become desensitized to a family destroying one another.

I get so tired of the media giving Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex estranged family so much attention. The dad is just riding on her coat tail if he really loves her then set her free. Lets not get started on her half-sister it’s obvious that she’s jealous. She attempted to stop the royal wedding if that isn’t jealousy then I don’t know what it is. Remember messengers have motives and the motives are never good. I pray that Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex marriage will withstand this and her estranged family will just go away.

Some relationships with people are like bent cans they are just too damaged to save. The more that we attempt to save a relationship with a family member who hurts us it only gives them an opportunity to do it again. It’s like trying to hold hands with Freddy Krueger it can’t happen because it would hurt too much. Sometimes we have to pray for people and love them from an Pacific ocean’s distance.

Happy Birthday Jack

They say it’s your birthday
It’s my birthday too, yeah
They say it’s your birthday
We’re gonna have a good time
I’m glad it’s your birthday
Happy birthday to you

Ah
Ah
Ah
Come on
Come on

Happy Birthday to Jack White. I would like to take the time to thank Jack for making music that I absolutely love. The other day a commercial for direct tv came on my niece and son said that’s over and over and over playing in the background. It was an incredibly awesome moment!

I hope and pray that Jack White is enjoying his birthday. I know that he works hard but I hope that he takes a day off; he deserves it!

The Pain of Divorce

I absolutely cannot stress this enough divorce is a humongous deal. In the past  I have opened up about my separation and possible divorce. Divorce is ugly period it’s never good because it affects so many people especially the children. What  I can’t stand about certain situations like divorce people want to be private so they suffer in silence. Recently I saw a heartbreaking post on Facebook about a woman who was going through a divorce. She would post about the pain of her divorce apparently it wasn’t received well amongst some of her Facebook friends. To make a long story short she had no one to turn to and so she took her life. I feel so sorry for her children this will make it even harder for them.

At times I get so sick of this horrible world with the heartless people in it. I know that there’s a God and  I know that He’s sitting on His throne. God will correct the wrongs and heal the hurting hearts. I know that none of us are God but if you come across a hurting person be kind always. The best thing that we all can do once we have done everything that we can is pray.

Father God In Heaven,

My prayer to You is to please guide people to marry the right people. Once You bring two people together have it so that they understand the vows that You made. Have it rooted in the married couples that at times better could become worse, that sickness may come, that they can have it all one day and lose it all the next. Father God help them to stay strong in You. Have a married couple understand that tough times don’t last but tough people do. Father God on the days when one of them become unlovable have their love for You to be more stronger so that it will keep their marriage together. Have a married couple to take their eyes off of the world and fixed on You. This wicked world at times has no concept of the beauty of marriage Father God only You can keep a marriage strong. I pray also for the couples who are separated may their marriage be restored and that they come back together stronger than ever. Father God I know that You hate divorce. I pray that You remove the word divorce as a go to as a way to solve a marriage problem. Have every marriage experience many years of happiness and their children too. Most of all thank You Father God for all that You do and what You are about to do. In Jesus Precious Name

Amen

Happy Veterans Day

Thank  you for choosing to serve

For our country

It’s something that  I

Do not take lightly

Because of your choice

Freedom continues to ring

That means everything

You are a blessing

Coast Guard

Marine Corps

Air Force

Army

Navy

Different branches of the same tree

Our awesome military

You choose to serve knowing

What was at stake

Did not hesitate

You are the reason why

America is great

What you did goes beyond

Being recognized for one day

You made sacrifices everyday

Next to your life

Your family

Who loves you

They made sacrifices

Being away for many months and years

Far way

Relying on phone calls and letters

To help make the situation better

For all of those reasons alone

I just want to thank

Each and every one of you

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